Back in Belgium

Hi again


This time I write from Belgium, famous middle-age town
Gent. Am at this moment in the small room with my friend
Lander. Came back from France few days ago. There was
one more very important outpouring and it was totally not
to be expected. I wanted to dance but the music set didnt
work and I started to sing instead. Then already some tears
came, the singing was totally spontanous, it wasnt any mantra
but some words came, some more tears came. I remember that
somehow I was asking in my singing for tears and trust. But the
most of that came when I was a bit tired and I stopped singing
I fell on my side on the floor and then really big crying started,
even a bit of yelling or some sounds simillar to that. Then I went
to sleep some more, dont know how long. It seems that this was
somehow connected with falling in love to one girl which just
left the same day, but it is also possible that she was just an
impulse for opening the big wound which is healing already
for last 8 years or so. Funny part is that I don't really know
but I feel the difference and am grateful for greater opening
of heart.

Another important event in France took place when we were
just about to leave with Dina. Suddenly she started to be really
nervous and angry and she poured at me all the stuff she wanted
to express, the thing was about the part that I dont have money
and dont take enought responsibility, that my work is not good
and that I dont want to work. Althought I indeed could give this
impression that day I felt that I doo too much for her and I am
not paid for it and therefore it is not my obligation. We agreed
on 4 hours of work just for food and sleep and I had a feeling
that altogether I did more than that out of free will, just because
I liked what she did and I wanted to support that. So, we both
somehow were frustrated and didnt meet each-other expectations.

Well, for me it was ok until that blow of anger from her side.
I even considered leaving next morning alone to some other
center but somehow I didnt feel strong enought to do it. Then
after difficult night I did 'the work' on her and what came was
that 'I am controling her by not having money', starting thought
was 'she controls me by the money'. After our journey to Belgium
this situation repeated once more but with not such a big intensity.

For me it was a signal that I have to leave and so the same day
I took all my things and went to Lis, somebody I already met
in this dancing course. I could sleep there and rest, take shower
and take some distance to this what has happened last days.

But the most beautiful was that we said goodbuy as friends, I
thanked her for the anger which is nonetheless just my own
projection to show me some parts of me which I would like to
keep in darkness.

After wonderful day with Lis and her family I went to Sara, who
I also met on the dancing course, but the one I was participating in.
She was happy to see me but also she was a bit in such a space that
didnt like to have somebody for the night, nonetheless she helped me
with telephones, maps, bus ticket and some little money. We had
nice talk and I promised her to let her know how is going with me
further.

After that meeting I went to fill form in IrishPub in Bruges, the funny
part is that I was already working there maybe six years ago or so. It
is not sure yet but if my spiritual job now is to do some work and be
paid for it, that can be the next step, I just signed for part time work.
That is one thing I consider another is to hitch-hike or get somehow
to the center of Ammachi in France. What keeps me here is on one side
more friends which I have here and on the other side possibility of
grounding by work which is easier for me to do here since I speak quite
well dutch. There is also possibility of some relationships which are kind
of hanging in the air, parhaps I am ready now to explore them and open
my heart to them, which before I considered impossible. I have those
thoughts sometimes that it is just temptation but on the other hand it
seems that last two months or so I learned a lot about sexuality, mostly
just by honest talking with people. But still the guiding thought is - this
day belongs to You Father or Holy Mother if you like :)

So, it is to fallow the Mystery and serve it with all my heart and soul.
Let the love be one. And let the flowers grow, in the garden, in the garden,
in the garden...



take Care